The lazy man's guide to chess

What is and what should never be

The purpose of this little guide is to give reader's a brief insight, a quick-and-dirty guide to playing chess.

Thus, some stuff is left out.

That means no history.  No technicalities.  No symbolism.  No philosophical implications.

Just the game.  And how to play it.

The idea is that, once you start playing this game;  once you really get the hang of it, you just might get curious enough to start asking where the heck it came from, what it means, and so on.

Where to begin?

It begins with the forging of the great rings... or not...

The first thing is to know what you'll be dealing with:  The board, the pieces, etc.

• The board is made up of 64 checkered squares
• Two groups of pieces or figures are distributed on opposite ends of the board.
• The pieces are as follows:
• 8 pawns
• 2 rooks
• 2 knights
• 2 bishops
• 1 queen
• 1 king.
• The objective is to capture the opponents pieces, and immobilize the king.

 

Nosce te ipsum

It is important to get familiarized with the different pieces, and how to move them around the board.

• Each piece can only move a certain way.
• A pawn moves straight ahead, one square at a time, and captures at an angle.
• A knight moves in an L shape.
• The bishop moves at an angle, as many squares as there are free to move.
• The rook, or castle, can move in a straight line, forward, sideways, or backward.
• The queen is the most powerful piece, and can move in any one direction for any number of squares.
• The king can move one square at a time, in any direction.

 

Get the pawns out

 Get the pawns moving before any other pieces because

a) They're in front.
b) They're in the way.

 

• On its opening move, a pawn can move two squares.

 

• Move it in front of either the king or queen.

 

• This opens the way for the bishops and queen.

 

Priests and ponies

Once the pawns are out, it's time for heavier artillery to come into play:

• Before moving the queen, rooks, or king, the knights and bishops should move toward the center of the board.

 

• Moving them out from behind the pawns allows them to attack.

 

Watch your back

Seriously...

• Before moving your pieces, try to remember your opponent’s last move.
• Try to plan moves that will capture your opponent’s pieces.
• Double check before moving, to see if anything is left unprotected.

 

Never mind the bollocks

Forget about the pawns for a while.

At least, at the beginning of the game, that is.

• Don’t waste too much time trying to capture your opponent’s pawns.

• Don’t make too many moves with your own pawns.

• Pawns are more important near the end of the game.

Instead, try to use this time to position more important pieces in strategic places, where they can be used to attack.

 

 

King in the castle

Literally.

It's advisable to castle early during the game, as it allows you to bring the king to safety, and opens the door to bring the rook into play.

In order to "castle" all squares between the king and the rook must be unoccupied.

The king moves two squares towards the rook, while the rook moves to the other side of the king.

 

 

Right in the middle

Once knights and bishops are in the game, and the king is in the castle, it’s time to capture your opponent’s pieces.

• Take any piece that is not protected, but think ahead, and try to foresee what will happen to your own pieces if you do this.

• Look for ways to move pieces to positions where the king can be attacked.

• Mind your back.

 

 

 

Thin wisely

During the game, your pieces will diminish.

Your opponent's pieces will diminish.

This is inevitable.

Sometimes, a piece must be sacrificed to take another.

Keep in mind that some pieces are worth more than others:

• Queen: 9 points

• Rook:  5 points

• Bishop:  3 points

• Knight:  3 points

• Pawn:  1 point

If you come across a situation where you must let one piece go to save another, consider how much each one is worth, and what can be done with them.

Consider, as well, what actions your opponent can take, once your piece is gone.

Think ahead.

Think back, too.

 

Hold on to your horses

You sure you got a killer move there?

Really?

Think again.

No matter how good you think your move is, wait and think whether it will leave anything unprotected.

Try to foresee the outcome.  Again, think ahead.  Think back.

Try to think of an even better move.

Patient thinking is the key to winning.

 

 

The endgame

Once you're down to just a few pieces, it's time to really start thinking of a way to end the game.

The king will be the main objective.

The king can attack, as well, as long as he’s not checked.

The king is in check when one of your opponent’s pieces is threatening to capture him.

The king must be moved out of check before any other move is attempted
Other pieces can also get in the way of the check.

 

Pawn gets pwnd

If a pawn makes it to the other end of the board, it gets "promoted."

A "promoted" pawn can be exchanged for a queen, knight, bishop, or rook.

This is an excellent comeback when you're down to just a few pieces.

Kill the king

The game is won (or lost, depending on which side of the board you are) when:

• The king is in check

• He cannot move away from check

• The piece or pieces that have the king in check cannot be captured

• The check cannot be blocked by moving other pieces.

• When nothing can be done to get the king out of check, it is called checkmate, and the game is won (or lost).

 

 

Well this is embarrassing

A stalemate is the most boringest of all situations.

In so many words, it means it's your time to move, but you can't.

You're not in check.

But, if you move, you will be.

It can't be called a checkmate because, well, you're not in check, to begin with.

So, you're stuck.

When this happens, the game will end as a draw.

 

 

Speaking of the devil

 Come to think of it, a draw is the most boringest of all things boring.

It means nobody wins.

Either they chase you around for fifty moves with no sign of checkmate any time soon.

Or, your opponent pulls the same trick on you, three times, with no success.

Or, you're on stalemate.

Or, you just don't have enough pieces on the board for a checkmate to occur.

It's kinda like baseball.  It can go on for hours on end with no sign of anyone winning or losing.

ugh...

Digestion

Forget the two most boringest of all things boring.  Chess is an intricate, almost poetic, game.

Whether you're looking to simply kill time for an afternoon, make an elderly chap happy at a park, or get mad at someone, the game of chess has something to offer.

There'll be plenty of time, during your lifetime, to go back and figure out the symbolism, history, and philosophical implications of the game.

For now, just play.  It's a game, dammit...