How to be a drunken penguin

Although formats like "can" and commands like "uncan" don't really exist, I did make sure the syntax in this script was accurate. It would work, if opening beer cans from the terminal was possible.

I don't drink, really, but it was kind of fun to code this thing :)

#!/usr/bin/env bash

## by Jon Tohrs
## send me money -_-

while true

do

if [ -e "/home/fridge/" ]
then

wget -q -O - http://99-bottles-of-beer.net/lyrics.html 2> /dev/null | grep "be" | tr -d '..012' | sed ';s/<[^>]*>//g;s/^..s*//g;s/er.../er.....n/g;s/ll.../ll.....n..n/g;'  | sed 's/^..s*//g' | espeak -v en-sc -p 75 -s 220 &

if ls -a /home/fridge/ | grep -v grep | grep beers > /dev/null
then
 if which uncan > /dev/null
 then
  uncan -e -o+ -r -y /home/fridge/beers.can
  mv /home/fridge/beers* /me/stomach/beers*
 else
  sudo apt-get install -y --force-yes can uncan uncan-nonfree
  uncan -e -o+ -r -y /home/fridge/beers.can
  mv /home/fridge/beers* /me/stomach/beers*
 fi
 if ps ax | grep -v grep | grep hormones > /dev/null
  then
  cd /var/girls
  if ls -a /var/girls | grep -v grep | grep pretty-girl > /dev/null
   then
    mood=$(cat /var/girls/pretty-girl)
    if [ ${mood} == "willing" ]
    then
     touch pretty-girl
     strip pretty-girl
     fsck pretty-girl
    else
     cd /home
     killall espeak
     sleep 480
    fi
  else
   cd /home
   killall espeak
   sleep 480
  fi
 else
  cd /home
  killall espeak
  sleep 480
 fi
 cd /home
else
 if find . -iname "*keys*" | grep -v grep | grep car > /dev/null
 then
  cd /dev/car
  if ls -a /me/pockets/ | grep -v grep | grep money > /dev/null
  then
   wget http://www.thebeerstore.ca/Beers/beers.can
   cd /home
   mv /dev/car/beers.can /home/fridge/beers.can
  else
   cd /home
   killall espeak
   sleep 480
  fi
 else
  killall espeak
  sleep 480
 fi
else
mkdir -p /home/fridge/
fi

done