I don't drink, really, but it was kind of fun to code this thing :)
#!/usr/bin/env bash
## by Jon Tohrs
## send me money -_-
while true
do
if [ -e "/home/fridge/" ]
then
wget -q -O - http://99-bottles-of-beer.net/lyrics.html 2> /dev/null | grep "be" | tr -d '..012' | sed ';s/<[^>]*>//g;s/^..s*//g;s/er.../er.....n/g;s/ll.../ll.....n..n/g;' | sed 's/^..s*//g' | espeak -v en-sc -p 75 -s 220 &
if ls -a /home/fridge/ | grep -v grep | grep beers > /dev/null
then
if which uncan > /dev/null
then
uncan -e -o+ -r -y /home/fridge/beers.can
mv /home/fridge/beers* /me/stomach/beers*
else
sudo apt-get install -y --force-yes can uncan uncan-nonfree
uncan -e -o+ -r -y /home/fridge/beers.can
mv /home/fridge/beers* /me/stomach/beers*
fi
if ps ax | grep -v grep | grep hormones > /dev/null
then
cd /var/girls
if ls -a /var/girls | grep -v grep | grep pretty-girl > /dev/null
then
mood=$(cat /var/girls/pretty-girl)
if [ ${mood} == "willing" ]
then
touch pretty-girl
strip pretty-girl
fsck pretty-girl
else
cd /home
killall espeak
sleep 480
fi
else
cd /home
killall espeak
sleep 480
fi
else
cd /home
killall espeak
sleep 480
fi
cd /home
else
if find . -iname "*keys*" | grep -v grep | grep car > /dev/null
then
cd /dev/car
if ls -a /me/pockets/ | grep -v grep | grep money > /dev/null
then
wget http://www.thebeerstore.ca/Beers/beers.can
cd /home
mv /dev/car/beers.can /home/fridge/beers.can
else
cd /home
killall espeak
sleep 480
fi
else
killall espeak
sleep 480
fi
else
mkdir -p /home/fridge/
fi
done